Ask someone what they are looking for and you will get a checklist: height, job, hobbies, star sign. Ask a happily coupled friend what made their relationship work and you will get something else entirely: how disagreements feel, how silences feel, how Tuesdays feel.
A useful exercise: think of the best dates you have had — not the best-looking people, the best evenings. What were you doing? How did you feel about yourself? Patterns in those memories are worth more than any list of requirements.
Separate the non-negotiables from the nice-to-haves. Wanting kids, or not; staying in your city, or not — those are real filters. “Must love jazz” is not a filter, it is a bonus round. Most people need three non-negotiables, not thirty.
“Know your deal-breakers cold, and hold everything else loosely,” says the SayHi team. “The person who surprises you is usually hiding behind a checklist item that never mattered.”
Finally, let the answer change. What you want at the end of a long year may not be what you wanted in January. Revisiting the question is not indecision — it is the whole point.
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